Thursday, April 26, 2018

My Defining Day





the snow is falling. this is the day. i leave the front door of our apartment. the big flakes fall and against the black SUV parked in front of the building they seem so much bigger and whiter.

its so cold. the exhaust of the SUV makes a cloud. abby and I veer right and continue to walk.   you are still inside and i wonder whats going on in your mind. this is your day, our day, but your day really. i wonder how you are feeling and if all of the classes we have taken have prepared you. i wonder if the practice with the pillows and all of the things we've been told are real or will be helpful. are you scared? i am. i wonder if he will be ok. the baby who doesn't have a name maybe its benjamin or jacob or lincoln who knows but i wonder if he will be ok and i wonder if you will be ok. i think i will be ok but im nervous too. i wont tell you any of this because im strong and i think you need that.

but i walk down this hill. its not a long walk and ive done it many times with abby. we're heading to rose in not many minutes, and kelley will come soon but i wanted to make sure she had a walk first - we will leave soon to rose and be gone for a few days and your pack is ready but abby needs a walk. we will see her soon but this will be it for a while.

we open the door, go up the stairs and back into the apartment. its small and the nursery is ready. soon its going to feel a lot smaller. i wonder if the baby will cry a lot. is he going to bother our neighbors? i wonder what having a baby is going to be like. i wonder if you are scared. for his health? of the pain? of raising him? im thinking of all of these. but theres no turning back now.

we get into the car. theres a car seat in the back now. how surreal that there will be a baby in that car seat the next time we drive back into the garage of our apartment building. i hope the roads aren't bad on our way back. theyre not bad now but those snowflakes are still coming down as we drive up monaco and its actually very pretty. im glad we live close. i would not like this drive so much if it were very far, but today its pretty and today im driving with purpose and its not so far.

its funny that it feels like were checking into a hotel. the room is nice. theres a bed for you, a nice chair. a little cot for me to sleep. its a little like a hotel but with a lot more gadgets around the room and were not on vacation. you get into your gown and i snap a few pictures of you. your smile is radiant and you dont seem all that apprehensive. im surprised that you seem to be doing so well. im a little apprehensive. but i dont ever stress out about things so i wont tell you that im a little apprehensive.

your mom comes. she seems apprehensive for you. if there has to be someone apprehensive ill let it be your mom. not you and not me because you just need to relax and you seem to be. i dont remember the timelines but i remember people came and people went. i remember the nurses coming in and giving you IVs and giving you medicines. i don't remember the name, provid, or providium or potosuin, or something like that that is supposed to move things along faster. i remember your sister and talking and everyone keeping their voice down because this is a serious day. i remember the chips and the snacks that everyone brought and i remember the scotch that your dad brought but we'll have that after the baby is here.

someone had brought chinese food or was it thai and i went to the waiting room to eat some. i had the latest news so everyone wanted to talk to me but there wasnt much news except that you had taken the potosin or the provide and that things probably shouldnt take too much longer.

things started moving more quickly after the P medicine. you started to feel more uncomfortable and everyone left the room except for me and the nurse. we had talked about whether you wanted to be medicated and hadnt decided but after you started to feel uncomfortable you decided that you wanted it.

the nurse left the room and went to get the anesthesiologist but she took a long time. you started to get uncomfortable because the pain was coming so I went out and asked and they said he was on his way and i was quite forceful with the nurse even though I was trying to be kind but the pain in your face made me forceful.

finally the guy came and he had you sit up and face me and put an IV into your spine and it was a little too late because the pain was already there and i could see it in your face but you were still strong - i think you told the anesthesiologist that you loved him and he made small talk with us to take your mind off the fact that we was putting a shot in your spine. it would all be over soon.

now the doctor is here and things are serious and time is both flying by and standing still. im standing at your head but I want to know how it is coming along so I look to see but what do I know if things are coming along except that I see some things are different and that you probably do not want to see these things but that all seems normal from way all I can tell. His head now. but ill looks a little more like an alien than I would of thought and now they want me to cut his cord and what does that mean and how do I do it but I guess theyll show me.

dad bring him to the weight and height table as hes crying and hes grabbing onto my finger but this tiny little grip on my finger is the most beautiful thing ive ever felt in my life. well take his height and then ill give him to his mommy and now he will be ok. we don't know your name but we know that we are now happy. god had never given such a gift to us. so went January 4th 2017.


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